kung fu

He walked into the graveyard. And put the rose down next to the big stone grave. “She walks like a black rose black rose in my heart.” He said. As he started to leave some cultists tried to attack! But he knew karate. “Hi-ya!” He kicked them hard in their faces and they all fell over. “Don't mess with me.” His dog smiled and said woof. The two of them walked back home together.

When he got home his house was on fire and his house was on fire! “Oh no!” He ran in to save his dog and he did but his house burned down anyway. He sighed. The next day he woke up and looked around. “Beep beep beep” said his alarm clock. “Beep beep!” He kicked it hard in its face. “Hi-ya!” It stopped beeping. He walked downstairs. “Thanks for letting me sleep here.” “You're welcome.” He left.

He went to his cousins apartment, she was an architect. “Sarah, I ran away from my mom my girlfriend got pregnant. I need to stay here.” “Okay. Let's go get sushi.”

We went to the sushi place and I went to the bathroom. “Steve!?” She said! The guy in front of her turned around. “Blayne?!” She frowned, “No.” She sad. “Brittney?!” “OH MY GOD!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REMEMBER ME!! I LOVE YOU!” He came out of the bathroom then and looked at the two people talking to each other.

“Okay, my cousin is back, talk to you later.” She said.

“Bye.” He said.

They went back home. And some cultists attacked him! “Beep beep!” They yelled. “Hi-ya!” He spun around twenty times, kicked them in the faces really hard, then spun again. He went so fast, time went backwards, so he could hit them again. “Ay-ih!” Then they went inside.

“I got a job at a book store!” He said.

“That's good!” She said.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door.

“Steve!?”

Steve got on his knee and looked at Blayne. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes!” She said.

“I'm so happy!” He said.

They kissed over and over and over. He gave her a ring.

This ring was lovingly hand-crafted out of 20 karat gold by our artisans in France. It has a beautiful luster and sheen that can only be accomplished through our patented centuries-old technique, handed down through the generations. Set in the center is a 10 carat diamond with excellent clarity and impeccable flawlessness, symbolizing your eternal love. Surrounding the central diamond are six rubies, each representing a different facet of passion. For a minor extra fee, you can have your lovers name inscribed on the inside of the band to truly show the lucky lady in your life how much you care.

“Cool ring.” He said. “I need to go find out who killed my wife.”

He kicked the doorknob hard and it turned and opened. “Creeeeam.” He left. Later that night, Brittney and Steve totally did it. God killed Brittney four years later because he thinks premarital sex sucks, but Steve's okay because he's a dude and God likes men more, which is why ladies bleed from their naughty bits all the time and spread their legs for any passing guy, my dad says.

Blam, blam! He kept firing the gun at the cultists! They all took out Ginsu knives from their cloaks and started coming at him, but before they could reach him he shot them hard in the faces. But they wouldn't stop! They were zombies! Oh no! So he shot them in the faces again and they died. “Fuck you.”

Finally, he reached their temple and walked inside, shooting everyone in his way. Blam! The leader of the cult was inside. “I killed your wife!”

“She was pregnant!” He said.

“With my child!” The cult guy said.

“Nooooo!” He said. He shot a tank of TNT and the entire temple exploded.

“I can't believe she was pregnant.” He said to Brittany.

“It's okay, Steve and I just made babies last night and you can have mine.” She said

“Oh, good.”

Four years later U.S.S. Brittania was in the hospital with Steve by her side.

“Push!” Steve said.

“The first one's mine!” He said. “She promised!”

“Arrrgh!” She said.

“It's okay, honey.” Steve said.

“Arrgggggh.” She said. Then she died of an aneurysm or stroke or whatever God thought was good.

“Nooooo!” Steve said!

He grabbed the firstborn and took it home with him while Steve bitched and whined about his dead girlfriend and took the shittier second one.

He named his new child Dark Raven Damien Devil Blood after his grandfather. From Dark Raven Damien Devil Blood's first birthday, he started teaching him karate and tae kwon do and kung fu.

“Hi-ya!”

“Hi-ya!”

They both kicked the air, the breeze moving the trees nearby.

“Good job, son!”

Suddenly, some cultists attacked! But Dark Raven Damien Devil Blood kicked them all in the faces and their heads exploded violently, blood going everywhere, covering Dark Raven Damien Devil Blood completely.

“Dad, am I adopted?” Dark Raven Damien Devil Blood asked.

“Sit down.” He said, patting the ground next to him.

DRBBDB sat down and looked at his father.

“Yes, you are my son. I had sex with your mother and you came out of her canal.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Let's go pick strawberries!”

Both of them went out into the field with their baskets and began looking for the juiciest, ripest strawberries, carefully walking over the chunks of cultist head. In the strawberries, DRDDB saw a black rose. “Dad, what's this?”

“Nooooooooooooooooo! That is a black rose black rose in my heart!”

“What?” DnB said.

“Noooooooooooooooo!” He said. “Cultists!”

They both got into their van and started listening to “Blind Mary” by Gnarls Barkley.

“This is a nice song.”

“I think it's kind of annoying and repeats itself a lot. I hate it when people when people repeat themselves!”

“Me too.”

“Hi-ya!”

“Hi-ya!”

Suddenly twenty cultists jumped in front of their car! He hit the button on the car to make laser guns come out of the headlights. Pkew, pkew! Lasers shredded the cultists into pulp. As they drove away, the cultsts exploded in a huge blaze of fire.

“That was for Brittani!” Who?

“My sister. Your mother.”

“What?! Dad, that's gross.”

“It was the only way, Dark Raven Damien Devil Blood! My wife had been killed. I needed a child! Little did she know it wasn't Steve that night, it was me! And Steve was left with your crappy twin who sucks and stuff.”

Boom! Their tire exploded and the car rolled twenty times down the road. He and DDR used their karate to stop the car and get out.

“What was that!?”

A man stood in front of them. Riding a unicorn! “Now it's your turn!”

“Who are you?” He said.

“I am your son! The one you abandoned! Steve Demon Hell Dragon Satan Jr.!”

The unicorn said “neeeeigh” and kicked him in the head.

“Arrrrgh” he said!

Dark Raven Blood Sex Magick was like, “Dad! And then said we have to fight now!”

The darkie then started charging at is brother Dragon Steve on his own unicorn and the unicorns started fighting each other while the two guys started fighting each other on top of them using their magical swords that they got from the bottom of the ocean. Clang, clang! One of them swung across at the other one but the other one moved back and dodged it and then he swung back but he swung from above because he thought he couldn't dodge it but instead he held up his sword to stop it. Clang! The unicorns locked horns and all of a sudden both of them grew wings and started fighting while flying! And the guys grew wings too! Because Brittini was actually an angel sent here by god in order to have some kids who would one day fight each other in the ultimate fight for all of the universe between good and evil. Clang!

THINK OF SOMETHING TO PUT HERE

He placed his hat upon his head and smiled and walked into the sunset. “Black rose in my heart indeed.” Finally, he would be abl able to do it.